Somethings Gotta Give

If you would have told me 3 1/2 years ago that this is where I would be in my life I never would have believed you. But here I sit only a shadow of the person I used to be. My strength and confidence diminished and the joy I once found in life has slowly faded away. If someone would have told me the wonderful guy overseas sending me roses, writing me love letters, and completely in love with me could have caused me so much pain I wouldn't have thought it was possible. How can something that once felt so right and so sure, have turned into such a nightmare one that no matter which way I turn or which door I open I can not escape.

You always hear about women who stay in an unhappy marriage where they are treated disrespectfully, verbally abused and you always think to yourself she should just leave... but when there is such a tangeled web woven it is not always so easy to pack your bags and just walk. Things get messy, kids are involved... custody goes to bat and the man who takes every aspect of you for granted would try everything in his power to make your life a living hell and would have his family backing him all the way. Am I not leaving out of fear... partially but not fear for myself fear for my kids and what their future will hold because at least right now when they are with him I am here for their protection I can supervise and intervene. I dont want that control taken away because the drinking has taken over and that kids and I have come second which means so have making rational decisions.

In Jan. I will have been married 3 years... and never in my life have I felt as alone and as worthless as I have during them. I have stood by allowing him to belittle me, disrespect me, and take away all my friends. Not because I was afraid to stand up to him but more because everyone had this image of the perfect family life once you have kids. I felt like I had to make it work that my vows ment something and that maybe he could be saved. But the more I stay and the more I take I am beginning to feel it is a lost cause. Many people have said it and I will agree you can not help someone who doesn't want to help themself. But what about the other people involved the people who wish that they could just open his damn eyes for a minute to see his beautiful children and the amazing life he could have if he would get the help and give up the alcohol.

The question that has been eating at me is how much do you put up with, and how many times do you offer forgiveness when you have been sacrificing yourself and your happiness all along to save someone who may very well not even want your saving. Someone who will not even take the second to give you the credit and appreciation you deserve for keeping everything together, picking up all the pieces, and being there when no one else cared enough to. I have always been the type of person to forgive, a bit of a pushover, and am not the type to walk out when i see someone in desperate need of help and no where else to turn, but what about when that person doesn't deserve those qualities in you... and they use it more to keep pulling you back into the viscious cycle then to use the support and end it.

And why after 3 yrs of the same crap does it hurt just as bad the 100th time it has happened as it did the first? I look in the mirror unable to believe that I have become a text book scenerio that i never thought could or would happen to me. I lay awake at night as all these thoughts race through my head. I try to tell myself there will be life after this that something will change something is going to happen to turn things around... but yet it is hard to keep that faith when everything is falling apart and has been for so long. How can i feel so numb and yet hurt so bad at the same time. What do you do when there is no good solution and no good answers?