Somethings Gotta Give

If you would have told me 3 1/2 years ago that this is where I would be in my life I never would have believed you. But here I sit only a shadow of the person I used to be. My strength and confidence diminished and the joy I once found in life has slowly faded away. If someone would have told me the wonderful guy overseas sending me roses, writing me love letters, and completely in love with me could have caused me so much pain I wouldn't have thought it was possible. How can something that once felt so right and so sure, have turned into such a nightmare one that no matter which way I turn or which door I open I can not escape.

You always hear about women who stay in an unhappy marriage where they are treated disrespectfully, verbally abused and you always think to yourself she should just leave... but when there is such a tangeled web woven it is not always so easy to pack your bags and just walk. Things get messy, kids are involved... custody goes to bat and the man who takes every aspect of you for granted would try everything in his power to make your life a living hell and would have his family backing him all the way. Am I not leaving out of fear... partially but not fear for myself fear for my kids and what their future will hold because at least right now when they are with him I am here for their protection I can supervise and intervene. I dont want that control taken away because the drinking has taken over and that kids and I have come second which means so have making rational decisions.

In Jan. I will have been married 3 years... and never in my life have I felt as alone and as worthless as I have during them. I have stood by allowing him to belittle me, disrespect me, and take away all my friends. Not because I was afraid to stand up to him but more because everyone had this image of the perfect family life once you have kids. I felt like I had to make it work that my vows ment something and that maybe he could be saved. But the more I stay and the more I take I am beginning to feel it is a lost cause. Many people have said it and I will agree you can not help someone who doesn't want to help themself. But what about the other people involved the people who wish that they could just open his damn eyes for a minute to see his beautiful children and the amazing life he could have if he would get the help and give up the alcohol.

The question that has been eating at me is how much do you put up with, and how many times do you offer forgiveness when you have been sacrificing yourself and your happiness all along to save someone who may very well not even want your saving. Someone who will not even take the second to give you the credit and appreciation you deserve for keeping everything together, picking up all the pieces, and being there when no one else cared enough to. I have always been the type of person to forgive, a bit of a pushover, and am not the type to walk out when i see someone in desperate need of help and no where else to turn, but what about when that person doesn't deserve those qualities in you... and they use it more to keep pulling you back into the viscious cycle then to use the support and end it.

And why after 3 yrs of the same crap does it hurt just as bad the 100th time it has happened as it did the first? I look in the mirror unable to believe that I have become a text book scenerio that i never thought could or would happen to me. I lay awake at night as all these thoughts race through my head. I try to tell myself there will be life after this that something will change something is going to happen to turn things around... but yet it is hard to keep that faith when everything is falling apart and has been for so long. How can i feel so numb and yet hurt so bad at the same time. What do you do when there is no good solution and no good answers?

Sunday (Early Trick-or-Treat)

Sunday was earlier then normal into Oct. but we have trick-or-treat. Both kids really enjoyed it. Hunter lasted a lot longer then i thought he would! The only problems that occuered were him trying to take handfuls instead of a piece... and at times instead of saying "trick or treat" it turned into "more candy". He def. was not crazy about the scary costumes and masks. Hayley sat in her stroller and barely made a noise and enjoyed all the action! This Friday on Halloween I will be taking them to my aunts to do it all over again so I am sure I will have a lot more pics to share!

The Weekend

Over the weekend we took the kids to visit Jesse's grandparents where they made pumpkins. They had a great time doing it. Hayley made a cat and Hunter's was a mix between a pig and a bear... lol!

And here are the pictures from the car ride home! lol!

Fighting A Losing Battle...

About two weeks ago we went to the VA hospital where Jesse was diagnosed with PTSD and Traumatic Brain Injury from all the explosions he was in. I never really went into detail about what he experienced while he was in Iraq, but he was in the group that swept the road for the roadside bombs and had numerous bombs go off on them. They were involved in gunfire numerous times, one time in which 4 people in a car were approaching them and wouldn't stop and with the fear it was a car bomb they had to shoot at the car killing 3 of the people immediatly and the one woman in the car was seriously injured and Jesse had to put her in his Humvee and drive her to the hospital... said she was about the age of his mother, and was bleeding all over and screaming. He also lost a guy from his unit while they were out on a mission he was the gunner on the top of the vehicle and an explosion went off sending him falling into the vehicle and he was seriously injured and bleeding badly. They took the vehicle off the rotation for a week cleaned it up, but then not even more than a week later they had them in the same vehicle with blood stains of their friend still on the seats.

How do you ever recover from that? When He was done with his tour in iraq they sent him back to the states and do you know how long they debrief them and get them ready for civilian life again, 1 freakin day... they spend one day talking to these soilders after taking them out of a war zone and expect them to just go right back to normal life and function. I think Jesse came home in a sate of shock and numbness but so greatful to have made it... but once all that wore off it was like I was living with a monster. The war had taken my fiance at the time and destroyed him emotionally and mentally. And he felt too tough to seek help. He couldn't even be around fire works and hated going to the mall or any place that would have crowds. He lived in constant anxiety drinking to numb the feelings numb the thoughts. But everyone knows alcohol does not solve anything and at this point i was already pregnant with Hunter... and things were a mess.
I called the VA expressing my concern and at that time we did not have the funds to pay for Jesse's medical care and do you know I had to fight with the VA to even see him! He had put his life on the line served 16 months in a foreign country for our government and they were making me jump through hoops so he could get the treatment he not only deserved but was in desperate need of. He did finally go they put him on sleep meds. anti-anxiety and anti-depressant, which he took for a while but decided he did not need. I watched my life spiral out of control again as the drinking came first and i had no job and was at home with a newborn baby. How do you walk away from someone who has been through so much when you know they are in desperate need of help but dont care enough about themself anymore to do a damn thing about it?

Jump down the road 2 yrs and after the loss of his father and things have been a rollercoaster. He was involved in a hit and run where no one was hurt and the cop let him off the hook for what reason i do not know... but it caused him to stop drinking for 2 months... and for once my life felt whole again. I wasn't battling to come before the alcohol, but just like him taking the meds it was short lived... and he went right back to the same routine. Drinking taking top priority, getting into fights, going to bars instead of coming home... taking off for days at a time. And the anger and resentment he had built up over these years was being taken out on me because he had no other outlet.

So about 4 weeks ago he had a breakdown he has been drinking so much it is ridiculous he spends no quality time with us, and i mean sober quality time. I cant stand him when he is drinking. Alcohol is like the other woman in our relationship and lets just say his choice is obv. and is hurting everyone around him... and i am sick of always coming in second. So after a night in the ER and being turned away and not admitted they got him right into the VA. We spoke to a social worker and a psychiatrist they gave him anti-depressants again and set him up with many counselors including one with an addiction specialist... he wanted the help and wanted to feel better. Well "work" keeps making him miss his appointments, and he just went on a job and missed taking his meds for 4 days. And the anger, moodiness, rollercoaster my life has become is back in full swing. How do you walkaway when you know the person has been through hell, but at the same time is it fair to keep allowing yourself to be disrespected and pushed to the side and down graded because of it?

I am just at a loss, i am so tired and drained from this relationship and this whole cycle we consider out marriage. Thanks for letting me get that all out in the open.

October 22nd

So today is Jesse's 27th birthday but he is on the road with work in Albany, NY. Not sure whether or not he will be home tonight to celebrate with us. I am going to make him a cake... and I got him a shirt from Old Navy and I will have Hunter draw him a picture.

Lately I just do not know what to do with Hunter. He is exactly a month from turning 3 and I feel like he is totally out of control. He does not listen to a word I say, time out does nothing, and he is a total drama king constantly throwing tantrums. He has been waking up at the crack of dawn and last night refused to go to sleep. He has been telling me his closet is scary and making me keep his light on until he falls asleep... i thought he was a little young for that kind of fear but i guess not.

About an hour ago I walked away to go to the bathroom to come back to my couch drawn all over in pen... ahhh what a wonderful start to the day. I called my mom and I am not quite sure how she knew it but it turns out hairspray and a lot of rubbing takes it out thank goodness.

And as for Hayley she is just being her easy going happy self. Until Hunter is mean and hurts her or takes her toys. She has a lot of teeth coming in and has been getting a little grumpy but nothing like Hunter did when his teeth came in. They are def. like night and day! Her personality is starting to show so much more it just cracks me up. And she started dancing, which pretty much is her dropping it like its hot over and over again. Oh the joys of motherhood. LOL!

Halloween Parade

Sunday I took the kids to our towns Halloween parade. Hunter loved the candy being thrown by everyone, and Hayley just kept waving her little hand and saying "hi" to everything going by! They both enjoyed it so much it was really wonderful watching them. Hunter wanted to be a kitty cat and hayley was wearing her halloween attire! So needless to say we have tons of candy we do not need because Hunter is wild enough on his own!