About two weeks ago we went to the VA hospital where Jesse was diagnosed with PTSD and Traumatic Brain Injury from all the explosions he was in. I never really went into detail about what he experienced while he was in Iraq, but he was in the group that swept the road for the roadside bombs and had numerous bombs go off on them. They were involved in gunfire numerous times, one time in which 4 people in a car were approaching them and wouldn't stop and with the fear it was a car bomb they had to shoot at the car killing 3 of the people immediatly and the one woman in the car was seriously injured and Jesse had to put her in his Humvee and drive her to the hospital... said she was about the age of his mother, and was bleeding all over and screaming. He also lost a guy from his unit while they were out on a mission he was the gunner on the top of the vehicle and an explosion went off sending him falling into the vehicle and he was seriously injured and bleeding badly. They took the vehicle off the rotation for a week cleaned it up, but then not even more than a week later they had them in the same vehicle with blood stains of their friend still on the seats.
How do you ever recover from that? When He was done with his tour in iraq they sent him back to the states and do you know how long they debrief them and get them ready for civilian life again, 1 freakin day... they spend one day talking to these soilders after taking them out of a war zone and expect them to just go right back to normal life and function. I think Jesse came home in a sate of shock and numbness but so greatful to have made it... but once all that wore off it was like I was living with a monster. The war had taken my fiance at the time and destroyed him emotionally and mentally. And he felt too tough to seek help. He couldn't even be around fire works and hated going to the mall or any place that would have crowds. He lived in constant anxiety drinking to numb the feelings numb the thoughts. But everyone knows alcohol does not solve anything and at this point i was already pregnant with Hunter... and things were a mess.
I called the VA expressing my concern and at that time we did not have the funds to pay for Jesse's medical care and do you know I had to fight with the VA to even see him! He had put his life on the line served 16 months in a foreign country for our government and they were making me jump through hoops so he could get the treatment he not only deserved but was in desperate need of. He did finally go they put him on sleep meds. anti-anxiety and anti-depressant, which he took for a while but decided he did not need. I watched my life spiral out of control again as the drinking came first and i had no job and was at home with a newborn baby. How do you walk away from someone who has been through so much when you know they are in desperate need of help but dont care enough about themself anymore to do a damn thing about it?
Jump down the road 2 yrs and after the loss of his father and things have been a rollercoaster. He was involved in a hit and run where no one was hurt and the cop let him off the hook for what reason i do not know... but it caused him to stop drinking for 2 months... and for once my life felt whole again. I wasn't battling to come before the alcohol, but just like him taking the meds it was short lived... and he went right back to the same routine. Drinking taking top priority, getting into fights, going to bars instead of coming home... taking off for days at a time. And the anger and resentment he had built up over these years was being taken out on me because he had no other outlet.
So about 4 weeks ago he had a breakdown he has been drinking so much it is ridiculous he spends no quality time with us, and i mean sober quality time. I cant stand him when he is drinking. Alcohol is like the other woman in our relationship and lets just say his choice is obv. and is hurting everyone around him... and i am sick of always coming in second. So after a night in the ER and being turned away and not admitted they got him right into the VA. We spoke to a social worker and a psychiatrist they gave him anti-depressants again and set him up with many counselors including one with an addiction specialist... he wanted the help and wanted to feel better. Well "work" keeps making him miss his appointments, and he just went on a job and missed taking his meds for 4 days. And the anger, moodiness, rollercoaster my life has become is back in full swing. How do you walkaway when you know the person has been through hell, but at the same time is it fair to keep allowing yourself to be disrespected and pushed to the side and down graded because of it?
I am just at a loss, i am so tired and drained from this relationship and this whole cycle we consider out marriage. Thanks for letting me get that all out in the open.
Sunday I took the kids to our towns Halloween parade. Hunter loved the candy being thrown by everyone, and Hayley just kept waving her little hand and saying "hi" to everything going by! They both enjoyed it so much it was really wonderful watching them. Hunter wanted to be a kitty cat and hayley was wearing her halloween attire! So needless to say we have tons of candy we do not need because Hunter is wild enough on his own!
